Dad ?
Dad, wake up.
Dad, it's 9:15.
Gimme another 10 minutes,
And then really Get on my case.
You gotta get up And go to work
You've got a family To support.
You want me To help you up ?
You know What would help ?
If you could get The coffee going.
Are you ill, dad ?
I just don't feel Like moving.
You mind if I feel your forehead ?
Do i feel Feverish ?
Actually, You feel cold.
Aww, dad, you died Last night.
Ben, thank you So much,
This is a great Cup of coffee.
It's yesterday's.
It was In the pot.
I don't want you To start making A habit of this.
You think I'm depending Too heavily on the coffee ?
No, not The coffee.
Oh, sleeping late.
Yeah, this could be
The start of Something really bad.
Maybe it's the start of me Enjoying my life a little.
I hate to put a Fire under your fat ass
But, get up And go to work
And make money And take care of me.
Maybe the truth is I am slowing down
And you're gonna Have to pick up The slack-
If i'm gonna Have to start
Being responsible For you...
I'm gonna have to Get you married off.
Ben, who's gonna Marry me, though ?
Hmmm...
I'm fishing for Compliments here !
Who's gonna marry A guy like me ?
How 'bout the Next person
That rings The doorbell ?
I like That game !
Remember when we Used to play
"The next person who Gets off the elevator
Is gonna be Your true love" ?
Right.
You still In touch with him ?
People in the midwest Are definitely friendly
Where i'm from, You'd wave to A stranger.
And i've heard that The further you get From a big city
The nicer people are.
I'd like to walk Through north dakota.
'Cause i imagine i'd Run into one guy Who'd be like,
"Helloooo...
How'd you like to Make out with my daughter ?"
"Uhhh, sure !"
You can kiss my daughter And i'll wave to you."
Maybe growing up In indiana
Wasn't the most Dynamic place but...
I wrote a Lot of poetry...
Here's one That i wrote...
"Help, help ! Get me The hell out of here !"
I like that.
Thank you.
What does Your dad do ?
My dad originally Wanted to become a priest.
But i knew he didn't Have the temperament for it-
"In the name Of the father
Son-of-a-bitch, Dammit, pray."
He's retired now.
Yeah.
( Cough )
That's my dad's Cough too.
He get's it from smoking My dad smokes constantly.
He refuses to go anywhere Where he can't smoke.
He could be at The gates of heaven
They'd be like, "Sorry, mr. Gaffigan.
No smoking in heaven."
And he'd be like, "Jim, tell your mother I'll be in purgatory."
Damn, son-of-a...
So this is Just a guy
Who's a fixture In your neighborhood
And you're not sure If he's "all there" ?
I was talking To him recently
And halfway through The conversation
I realized he was Drinking a cup of gravy.
I like gravy, but i've never Considered it a beverage.
If you're Drinking gravy
You're probably not A big health nut.
Wouldn't you love to be At the doctor's office With this guy ?
"Hey, how ya' doin', Mr. Jones ?
"I got your Cholesterol here,
"You're aware your blood's Not moving, right ?
"-This is kind Of a weird question-
You haven't been Drinking gravy, have you ?"
Mr. Gottfried, You're 25 minutes late.
25 minutes late !!
This has never Happened to me before !
Oh, my god I'm pregnant !
Y'know, jesus Had a hard life.
Because no matter What he did
He always had to be Compared to his father.
It's like being Frank sinatra jr.
Where ever Jesus would walk
Everybody would go,
"Hi, jesus, So how's your father ?
Your father's Doing okay ? That's nice."
And he'd go,
"But i want to save All of your souls"
And they'd go, "Yeah, that's very cute.
"So your father's Doing good ?
"Your father's All right, then ?
You send our best To your father."
You know, mother teresa... She worked very hard
But she can't Be declared a saint.
Because she didn't Actually work a miracle.
She saved Starving children
She goes and Watches by bedsides
But she can't Become a saint
Unless she works An actual miracle.
So it's kinda pathetic That in her last year
She was desperate For a miracle
And instead of helping Starving children
She would go,
"Hey, what's that Behind your ear ?
"Oh look, It's a quarter !
"Here, let me take This starving child
"And saw him In half.
"Here's my Lovely assistant, denise
"To show that there's No trick to this box
"It's a solid box With solid chains on it.
"Hey, what card Am i holding ?
Is it The ace of spades ?"
Hello, i'm robert klein-- I'm here to see dr. Katz.
Would you have A seat please ?
( Playing "oh suzanna" )
Could you...
Could you Please, no !
Stop it, Please ?
Woo-hoo ! Sorry, laura.
It's just that i have to Get ready for the doc
And i have enough On my mind.
( Plays harmonica )
* Laura, laura...
Could you just Leave me out of...
I just... It's so commercial, The world, dr. Katz.
Do people Call you dr. Katz ?
Absolutely...
But if you're more Comfortable calling me...
No, dr. Katz Is good.
George washington Was a brave man
And he risked A lot and...
And i know that He'd be proud to know
That we celebrate his Birthday every year
With used car dealers.
( Southern drawl ) "I'm bill duncan From bill duncan dodge
"And i've got a George washington's Birthday sale
That'll knock your socks off, Right, george ?"
"That's right, bill"- And this poor actor schmagegie
Getting 90 bucks For the rubber hatchet And the bad wig-
"That's right, bill,
"I'm chopping down the prices On these beauties
It's a veritable Cherry tree of savings."
Laura ? Ben.
Yeah ?
Ben katz.
Yep, the Younger katz.
The annoying katz.
Right... Right.
What do you want ?
You must've noticed How my father's lost
That bounce In his step.
I didn't know That he had one.
He did, But it's gone.
Oh...
Now he just Sorta meanders
Y'know wanders...
Very sad.
( Exasperated sigh )
I think if he retires I'll get him a boat.
A boat ?
Well, he'll get Himself a boat.
But i'll name it.
I love naming boats.
I do it in My spare time.
"Spare time" Is a good boat name.
Clever.
You know what's also A good boat name ?
"Kickin' back".
I have some Trouble sleeping
I turn on The television
The only thing That can help me
Is watching "Qvc".
Mmm-hmm.
Very lonely people Calling at night
"Hello, my daughter collects China facsimiles
"Of northeastern cities.
She needs Youngstown, ohio."
I never heard of The things that they sell
This woman has A big diamond-looking thing
But she didn't Say it was a diamond
She said it was this "Beautiful diamonique ring
"Surrounded by two Gorgeous rubyrosas
"And there are three spectacular Heart-shaped saphirettos !
"Yes, beautiful saphirettos With the rubyrosa
And the diamonique !"
"The communist manifesto"
Is not A good boat name.
It's not even A boat name.
It's the name Of a book.
Umm-hmm !
Yeah, i read.
You know another Bad name for a boat ?
"This piece of ( Beep )'s Gonna sink."
Well...
You know what ?
Forget the boat, It's too difficult.
"Waterlogged" Is pretty good.
But yeah, Forget the boat.
I was doin' a lot Of thinkin' while Your were gone...
Um-hmm
And you're On your way out.
What are we gonna Do about it ?
What about having A woman nurse
Come in once a week And bathe us ?
I think you're Overreacting To my energy level.
I was thinking bout What kind of old man You're gonna be.
I think i'll Be the kind
Who can kick your ass Until the day i die.
That's the kind of Old man i'm gonna be.
You certainly Won't be
The distinguished Gray type of guy.
No, i don't think That's in the cards.
I was thinking You're gonna be
An old guy who Just walks around
Bumps into things.
Until you Sit him down.
That type of guy.
I love Those guys.
Or maybe you're The kind who
Just smiles All the time
And has food On his chin.
You can't take Your eyes off it.
At least i don't have An enlarged prostate
Like every other Guy my age.
Is that a Common affliction ?
Yes !
It's the acne Of the middle-aged.
The enlarged Prostate ?
Yeah.
What does that Do to you ?
It puts pressure On your bladder
So you have To pee a lot ?
And it puts pressure on Your other organs to compete.
You mean they all Wanna be bigger too ?
Yeah, and another thing That i'm grateful for-
I never have had to used A deodorant my entire life.
Is that so ?
Yeah, i never did, My dad never did
We just don't Sweat in that way
That has an odor.
You do Have an odor.
Maybe you didn't Realize it.
No, see i think... ( Sniff )
Oh lord !
Hello, laura, Good to be here.
I like wood... Wood.
Good.
Ummm...
Well, i think A lot of this
Is all about Body image
And how you See yourself.
I am bald Blind and pale.
I'm like a large Recessive gene.
It wouldn't surprise me if i Woke up tomorrow with a tail.
"Have you seen The comic with the tail ?
He's delightful."
Hmmm...
People always know somebody That's looks like me, like
"Hey, i know somebody Who looks like you."
I never know what to say-- "Tell 'em hi."
Sure.
The only advantage To wearing glasses is
You can do that Dramatic removal.
"My god !"
People aways wanna Try my glasses on, like
"Let me try on Your glasses."
That's rude, i don't go up To people with hairpieces
"Hey, let me Try on your wig !"
"Let me sit In your wheelchair."
"Oh my god !"
"You are So crippled !"
Well, the media is drawn To any kind of celebrity.
We've even gotten To the point
Where we're interviewing the models.
Dr. Katz, what do we Expect to learn from a model ?
"I put lipstick On my lips."
"Ohhh, is there Anything else ?"
"I walk that way When they tell me."
"We've got so much To learn from you."
You ever see One of these Interviews ?
"You're very beautiful-- How'd you do that ?"
"My name's kathy."
"Ok, maybe you Didn't understand The question."
"You're going out with A guy in a band, right ?"
"Kathy."
"I go to the bathroom By myself."
Hi, i'm gilbert gottfried To see dr. Katz.
Could you have A seat, please ?
Yeah, i- Gilbert gottfried.
I heard you !
Hey, do you like Impressions ?
No.
Good, good, good... Here, watch this.
Jackie gleason In "cassablanca".
You're gettin' on that plane With vic laslo ?
Oh, you're gettin' on That plane alright...
'Cause i know, that you know, That i know
That you're gettin' On that plane !
One time, hitler Was making a big speech.
And when he got off stage Napoleon came up to him and said
"Hey, you know that bit you do About taking over the world ?
And he goes, "Yeah ?"
"Well that's My bit !"
"What do you mean It's your bit ?
I wrote That bit."
"No, that whole thing-- I will be a leader
"I will take over The whole world--
I was doin' that Years ago."
"Don't tell me, I don't have to Take your stuff.
"I write My own stuff.
I don't need Your material."
And then they finally Worked something out-
"If we're ever working In the same town
"We won't both do The "taking over the world" bit.
Gilbert, i'm glad you're Sharing this with me
But i feel like We're just postponing
The very thing that you Wanna talk to me about.
Okay.
There's nothing That you can't say
Nothing will Leave this room.
It's called "Patient Confidentiality".
But what if i say something Particularly interesting ?
See, this is What bothers me.
Nothing i say can Leave this room.
But what if i say Something that's Really interesting
That's really like A great quote ?
And then i'll know It just dies in This room.
Well if it's Something Really great...
Do you have any Recurring dreams ?
Unfortunately, this is something I wanted to talk to you about.
My dreams have No symbolism.
Everyone else has symbolism In their dreams.
Everyone else Has these dreams
Where there's a train conductor But he comes out of a cake,
And the cake is really this Girl i used to go out with,
But this girl Is actually my father...
Me, i have these dreams where I'm walkin' down the street
And it's Just a street.
Freud said That it's-
He said this To you, personally ?
I didn't think The two of you Knew each other.
He said it's The dreamer-
But why was he Speaking like You speak ?
Him being freud, Wouldn't he speak With a german accent ?
Well, this is Years ago.
Oh, so he didn't Have the german accent Back then.
Freud said that It's the dreamer
Not the dream.
Did you take Him aside and say,
"What the hell are You talkin' about ?"
Ok, let's try Something else.
Let's try the Word association thing.
I'll say a word, And you say
Whatever pops Into your head.
Butterfly !
You don't quite Get it, i'm--
Grasshopper !
Ok, let's--
Fountain pen !
See, you're Way ahead of me--
Shower curtain !
I think you Win this round.
Yarmulka !
( Speaking french )
Au bon, bon.
Ahhh... Qu'e se ?
Stan, let me Ask you something...
You ever think About retiring ?
Calling it quits Just ( whistles )
Sure, i think About that.
Kicking back and Opening a cold brew...
This is a new Side of katz.
What the hell Is he talking about ?
I'll tell you Why i'm asking
It's because i feel Like physically I'm slowing down.
And ben thinks The handwriting Is on the wall.
What do the Handwriting On the wall say ?
He thinks that I should start
Phasing out of My work life
And into my Retirement life.
Why do you Listen to him ?
I dunno, Because he's home ?
I thought about how I would like to die.
Because i do think About my own mortality Quite a bit.
Although there is A history of longevity In our family.
My maternal Grandfather Lived to be 103.
Every day, he ate An entire raw onion
And he smoked A cigar.
103-years-old.
And you know what His dying words were ?
What ?
Nobody knows, They couldn't get Near the guy.
But still, I worry about death.
Because it's Waiting there, patiently.
For all of us.
So you're saying I'm gonna die ?
Well when you Put it like that
It sounds bleak.
No, dad, we're Never gonna die.
That's for Other people.
We're the katzs, We live forever.
Well, there's been A lot of death In the family, lately
But... I don't Think that reflects.
Let's talk about something A little less morbid.
Yeah.
How's that tumor ?
( Chuckling )
What's all this Stuff here, ben ?
I got a surprise For you...
I guess i shoulda Wrapped it.
Well, you know What gives it away
Is the easel And the paints.
So you knew What it was ?
Immediately, i mean I'm still surprised
To see it In my home...
Then that Works out...
In a small way.
So why The paints ?
This is what I thought, dad.
I decided to Get you a hobby
That's gonna bring you Through your old age.
You know, it's very sweet, The way you're thinking, ben.
But it's a Little misguided
Because you can't Impose a hobby On somebody
It has to Come from them.
Well, sometimes--
I have no desire To paint anything.
Well now you don't But if you started--
I would like to put some tape Over your mouth, though.
That's art !
If you Display it.
I don't have the Hand/eye coordination For painting.
You should Give it a try.
And also, i'm Color blind.
I only Bought red.
Is that red ?
Dad !
Yes.
You're Up early !
I thought things Were changing ?
Time waits For no man.
Umm... What does That mean ?
It means i like to Seize the bull by the horns.
It's startin' to Sound like the old you !
I'm starting to Feel like the old me.
Dad ! You Painted something.
Yes.
Last night.
Yes.
Wow !
What do You think ?
I uhh... I uhhh...
It's a work In progress.
I'm not Done yet.
Yeah, you've Got ah...
I gotta sign it.
Doctor, this guy Comes up to me
And says, "hey, man, You wanna buy a watch ?"
"No i don't, Especially At a urinal.
"This is my time With myself."
You know What i mean ?
Maybe unconsciously I'll aim at a wad of paper
Or a cigarette butt, try to Separate it from the filter.
Pretend it's a Nazi installation.
Like a command decision-
"I'm afraid the photos from Bitburg were bad, sir.
We'll have to go back And hit it again."
Right... So is That your new watch ?
There are a number of things I like about being jewish
One is, We bury quickly.
Right.
A jew dies, zoom ! Into the ground immediately.
A jew dies at noon,
"Call the relatives In phoenix
The funeral's at 2:00."
Gentiles they have A wake - 4 days, 5 days
8 shows a day Like vaudeville.
It's very uncomfortable For the family.
Jews bury so quickly
That old jewish people Are afraid to take a nap.
Lest they be Mistaken for dead.
Who was the guy That was able
To sell "hogan's heroes" To a network ?
I mean, who was able To walk into a network and go,
"Ok, here's the idea- A group of soldiers
"Held in a Nazi prison camp.
It's a comedy !"
"Hmm, that's Interesting, Tell me more."
"Ok, these soldiers are Imprisoned by the nazis Behind barbed wire
And if they try to escape They'll be shot."
"I love it, It's a laugh riot !"
Hmm...
Excuse me for Being too pushy but
Can you change Your facial Expression ?
Oh.
Why are you just sitting there With one facial expression ?
( Music starts ) Please change Your facial expression !
Smile, frown You know themusic means- Do something !
Our time is up...
Just change your Facial expression !
I want you to Change your...
( Katz ) I have this fantasy When i retire
That you and i Are gonna get a Mobile home.
( Ben ) Um-hmm.
And just see this Great country of ours.
Like an rv.
Yeah, but with A toilet, with a shower.
Oh no, Forget that !
We do it right.
We do it The old way.
What's that, Stagecoach ?
Bareback.
I'm telling you, We could take mexico, Again.